Shalom Bayit – Recipe for a Happy Home

From the Desk of Cheryl Hauer

Sometimes, you just need a good laugh, so I turned to a favorite comedian on YouTube for some comic relief. He is usually quite enjoyable—no vulgarity, no politics, just humor in everyday life. However, today his choice of subject matter really disturbed me. It seemed he couldn’t find enough rude things to say about his wife and their marriage. As I thought about it, I realized he is by no means alone in his disrespect for this sacred institution that has served as the foundation of civilization for millennia. Nowadays, countless sitcoms, movies, and memes portray families in chaos and spouses at odds as if it were the norm. And though it may not be the norm, I think it is sadly true that many couples out there are unhappy in their marriages.

This brought to my mind the emphasis that Judaism places on the responsibility of couples to cultivate happiness in their marriages. There are fundamental principles of Jewish law regarding the marital relationship, such as: "Thus the sages laid down that a man shall honor his wife more than his own self and shall love her as he loves himself.” The sages say that the only way for a man to know if he is fulfilling the commandment to love his neighbor as himself is whether or not his wife is happy. Tall men are instructed to stoop to listen so they don’t miss a word their wives have to say. Men should consider it a privilege, the Talmud says, to go without so that their wives can have beautiful clothing. Of course, wives have their share of responsibilities as well. Ultimately, the concept is more accurately understood as part of a shared endeavor to build a happy and fulfilling life together. It is a partnership where both individuals have roles and responsibilities toward each other and their home, rooted in love, respect, and joint effort.

It's known as shalom bayit, a Hebrew phrase translated as “peace in the home.” It’s essential to remember that shalom encompasses more than just the absence of conflict. It signifies wholeness, flourishing, and even delight. In such a home, dignity, appreciation, and gentleness are offered without compromise. Expectations are adjusted so that couples do not place unrealistic demands on one another. Spouses care for each other’s physical and emotional needs, fostering an ever-expanding atmosphere of love and respect. There is no bickering or blaming, no arguing, and never a raised voice, but rather a relationship built on empathy, compassion, trust, and forgiveness.

What a different world it would be if every couple entered marriage with shalom bayit as an intentional goal. The problem is, it won’t just happen. You have to work for it. Shalom bayit demands humility, sacrifice and commitment. I believe this is truly God’s heart and is as much a responsibility for us as Christians as it is for our Jewish brothers and sisters. But as long as society tells us that spouses are not to be cherished and the institution of marriage is mocked and disrespected, those unhappy couples will never realize the joy of a truly happy marriage. And that’s no laughing matter.

Blessings and Shalom,

Issachar Community

Check out the latest from the Pastors’ Desk